Whine now, wine later...its all relative

Even though I'm going through a rough patch, I have the comfort of knowing I'll always be an organized person. It is a comfort. I'm not just anal, I mean, I am anal, but that's not the whole thing.

I watch people every day who are so incredibly disorganized. I don't know how they put two matching socks on every day. Maybe they just have a dozen pairs of the same socks so they don't have to worry about whether one matched another. How do they even remember where they live? Is it like a homing pigeon instinct or something? Seriously, I am not kidding. Even when you do your best to teach them skills to help out, they still don't "get it". 1) Ok, so if you can't remember to do this exact thing every month when you receive this exact piece of paper from the same company, write yourself a reminder, it will help you out. They can't even seem to get the reminder put some place so it will be seen at an appropriate time. 2) Ok, so when you are asked to do something, do it right away. That way you won't have to worry about remembering it later or remembering to look at your reminder. That's just too much. 3) Ok, so when I give you something that is all prettily highlited so as to make things easier, just follow the yellow highlited road. Well, the highlite must have been on the second page and wasn't seen. Or, well, there wasn't an envelop with the the address preprinted on it, so they couldn't figure it out.

All kidding aside, how do these people make it through life. If you can't organize some stuff when that is the job you are being paid to do, organize stuff. What happens when no one is paying you to run your life? What happens when no one is there to remind them that stuff needs to be done and bills need to be paid and that when you are strapped for funds, you shouldn't probably be funding pan handlers coin buckets.

My patience is running thin.

Virtual road trip, well, sort of, more like a clicking tour of the nation's bloggers

Sometimes you start clicking and you end up way on the other side of the continent and enjoying yourself immensely. I clicked and clicked again just recently and ended up at this woman's blog. It is so interesting. She, I believe, is an author and illustrator so her blog is filled with what must be her drawings and her very creative outflow of ideas, thought and musings. She has spent a month of 'creating one new thing each day' - an idea she (somehow) located on the wonderful internet. It made me think. I wonder if I have that in me? Should I try my own test beginning in March, since March is tomorrow - good heavens!

The new thing doesn't have to be all consuming. It can be small it can be elaborate it can be anything you wish. I mean, sometimes you create things and don't really realize you are creating at all - those count, at least they will in my world. For example, I make dinner most nights, that's creating something new. Well, unless its something I've made before, but, I honestly rarely use recipes because I don't like the strictness of them. One and one half teaspoon cinnamon.......seriously, just shake some in, taste it and if it needs more according to your own taste (you know, that's what the recipe inventor did to make up the recipe ~ hello) then add some more, or maybe you'll remember to shake in a little less next time. Those types of things should be written down, but, you get my meaning, right? Ahem... My point being that dinner is a new creation. Maybe that's a 'cop out', but, hey, sometimes you have to use those loopholes.

Hmm... I'm sure I'll forget about this the minute I log off, but, it still has made me think. Check out her blog, even if only for a minute or two. Thinking is good!

Be Kind

You are what you eat, so be Kind, well, at least check these out if you are a food bar eater type of person.

I saw these really tasty looking food bars at a friend's place. They looked amazing and like actual food. I am a fan of the Organic Vegan Food Bars, but they don't look all that tasty. Don't get me wrong, I think they are good and I can eat a couple bites and be satisfied, but when you look at actual food (i.e. nuts and fruits) through the clear plastic wrap, it’s a selling point. It works for me because its all natural, dairy free, gluten free, non-gmo and says 'all natural'. I doubt that means organic, but, sometimes you have to let your guard down, relax a little. Really tasty. I've tried several now and the ones with Apricot, super yummy. I'm trying to find good things on which to focus, so, that's the upside of my Tuesday. What's your upside?

Deep breathing just causes hyperventilation

Whoa, so in a blur of what I think I want and what I do want and what is the actual best for me and the future and how I’m not this person. I know where I’m at as a general rule. I may not know where it will lead, it generally leads to much more of the same and I’m that person who embraces knowing I’m constant, I’m reliable and steadfast and consistent and dependable and I wallow in knowing my circumstances are similar in nature and will be for much time to come. It’s that way by design.

How do the masses do this on a regular basis. I now understand why the makers of Prozac are so wealthy.

In a crazy way, I feel like I’m in prison only I’m on the outside of the bars and desperately want back inside the comforting walls where I know how things work. A cozy, familiar place where I know when the meals will come and when its time for exercise and social hour. Where the parameters are well established and feel like old friends. On the upside, turmoil makes for lots of blogging.

Moonscape

There's the initial bleak feeling then the desolation sinks into your soul. You may think of the moon and its cold, harsh, inhospitable atmosphere. You may wish to find a loved one and burrow into a hug so as to block out the unforgiveable nature of what you perceive.

You may take a closer look and see the slight beginning of a glow in the foreground, the ambers and tans come through if you look for them. Its not as grey and gloomy as you thought at first blush. You may look a little longer and see there's possibility, endless possibility here. New life struggles to emerge and, with persistence, will win in the end. Its not an ending or a graveyard like you first thought. It is a new beginning and the fog is not settling in, it is lifting.

the long haul ~ edition XIII

so, what if i do think i want to be a survival guide to 11 and 12 year olds?

what does that mean? am i just fed up with the concrete jungle? how long would it take until i missed it enough to come running back? i do love the skyline and the restaurants and the theater and the music and the airport and the proximity to just about everything you'd ever want to do. (i've always loved airports. when i was a kid, we'd occassionally fly to see some relative and the stewardesses, you could call them that then, were friendly and gave you little airplane wing pins and you flew in a yellow banana airplane and everyone in the airport was happy because they were going on a vacation or picking up a loved one. Its just not the same post 9/11, well, at all now that I think about it. everyone is nervous and annoyed because you have to say goodbye to loved ones 2+ hours before your flight and sit alone in the terminal and you can't have your own $.75 water because it might be plastic explosives and you have to buy the airport water for $3.27 and if you don't finish it, well you have to dump it before you get on the plane and well things could have changed in regards to all this because it changes rather daily and you never know when you get to the airport what to expect from security. one friday you get on the plane with your brand new clinique mascara and two days later the burly security guard takes your $15 black magic no matter how much you beg from you because while you were enjoying yourself in the sonoma valley, security risks changed according to some random administration whim and desire to affect public view and scare us into believing things that in all actuality are smoke and mirrors. but, i'm off topic here.) personal upheaval is difficult. difficult to be in the midst of and i am sure difficult to watch. nonetheless, here i am, wondering, pondering, cogitating, considering, reflecting, ruminating and on and on. i'm in a back eddy unable to pull myself free from the circuitous motion of knowing life isn't all that bad all things considered but wanting something different because i've done this for a very long time now. i can do it with my eyes closed. i made an outline of all the things i do during a typical day and i ended up with four job descriptions. four separate positions that should be done by four different people. don't get me wrong, i'm not saying i'm super woman, i'm saying the opposite. i'm saying i'm a crazy person who has taken on way more than i ever should have but due to what i like to call my (perfectionist, anal, precise, you fill in your own adjective here) nature i have a difficult time delegating and hiring people who have a work ethic and will do what i want the way i want it done. there's more to it than that, but that's it in a nutshell. (as an aside: i did once find someone who was so great and then she moved out of the state, to a state that is really a lot warmer than this one, someone who has never seen snow up close and personal, someone who has intelligence and caring, someone i won't mention by name...ahem.) so back to my thought, i wrote this outline and realized i don't want to do any of the things listed there anymore. i could reposition myself, take only what i want and move forward with more comfort, but, i don't want to do any of it any more! hence the desire to be in the forest trying to teach survival. maybe i need to focus on my own survival here. i wonder if my little brain is trying desparately to send a message that i keep missing. hmm, look at those butterflies...

i'm just putting my thoughts down here so i can see them outside of my head and maybe get a picture of what is going on.

i'm feeling a little lost right now.

there you go. me, up close and personal. be careful what you wish for, you just may get it and it might be scarier than you ever thought possible. or maybe it might be more beautiful than you ever dreamed because you were inside a 6-story box with only a very limited view of the possibilities.

perspective? maybe, i just know i need to be out, whatever that means. well, i'm not gay so not that 'out', but you get my drift, right? outside, out of doors, out of sight, out of reach, out of touch, out on my own, out from under thumbs, out discovering more about me. and maybe i do that and find out its all the same, just a different setting. well, i may just need a different setting for a little happiness right now. ok, i'm done for now.

over and ... out.

Just Read: Eragon: The Inheritance Trilogy

Author: Christopher Paolini

I like books aimed at young adults / adolescents. I'm also a sucker for kids movies. I have a scary collection, The Jungle Book, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, The Little Drummer Boy just to name a short cross section. Kids stuff is light and takes you out of being an adult for 52 minutes. It can take you back to no mortgages, no auto expenses and the main worry in life is will Santa bring me the EasyBake oven I really want. How can you watch It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown and not think of candy corn and cool autumn and all that candy that will soon be upsetting your tummy after trick-or-treating.

Eragon falls into this category. Like the Harry Potter books adults are just as intrigued by the magical things and the storyline can be less childish than quite a lot of adult television these days. There are dragons and magic and cool names for things and adventure. A regular boy finds a blue stone in the forest and the next thing he knows, he's off on an adventure with no idea where he's going or how to get there unscathed.

Its probably not fair, but I find myself thinking of and comparing it to The Lord of the Rings. The place names, the descriptions. How could I not. Tolkien made a mark when he wrote the amazing saga. He was the beginning as far as most people are concerned. I think, well, at least for me.

There is, of course, a movie. When the movie first came out, I thought, that might be fun. After reading the book then seeing some of the movie trailers, I'll not be seeing the movie. I have this wonderful picture in my head of this fabulous dragon and the characters and the movie really can't compare to that for me.

Anyway, if you are in to fantasy genre and/or books aimed at a slightly younger audience, it was a quick read and enjoyable. Oh, yeah, its book one of a trilogy (remind you of anything?) so there'll be more on this topic later.

PS - The author was born in 1983. That makes him 24 now and if you read some of the website and count backwards, he wrote the book in what was probably his teens. Finding that out made the book a little more enjoyable and also explained some stuff in the book.

Just Read: Cell

Author: Stephen King

I have been a Stephen King fan since the '80's. I read just about everything he wrote, up until about the time of Gerald's Game. In my opinion, that book stank up the place. I sort of left King in my past at that point. On my recent (although it seems like a lifetime ago now) trip to Belize, my friend Aaron, who was with us, read this book, actually liked it then handed it over.

I agree. The book goes in a different direction from what you might (might) think of as Stephen King. There aren't any pets that come back to life wreaking havoc. The premise is quite simple: On a certain day at a certain time, everyone who happens to be using their cell phone is the recipient of "The Pulse". I'm not clear on this, but you know, it is fiction, anything can happen, somehow all those people on their cell phones go insane, get the zombie whammie put on them. The world changes as we know it. There are now two groups of mankind, normies and phoners. If you let your mind go with this, you'll understand the frightening ramifications - all communication is gone. Would you pick up a cell phone if you knew the last time anyone did that they became murderously insane? Just think how many cell phones there are on the planet. Look around you at any point in the day, how many people in the grocery, gas station, restaurant, on the street, in their cars, everywhere are on their cell phones? Lots! Think about only those people who are in their cars. Instantly the highways and streets are filled with lunatics behind the wheel of vehicles. The entire world comes to a stand still. No modern conveniences who's going to run and maintain all that equipment?

So, you get the idea. Its really interesting to think about. Well, I think so anyway in the light of the direction our planet is heading. Post apocalyptic survival may be something any one of us may need to know how to undertake. I mean, terrorist attacks, inconceivable natural disasters, war. These aren't concepts dreamed up by a master of horror, these are real life, just pick up any newspaper around the world and there it is. There's probably books on the topic.

Picture this, you are at work, your significant other is at work, your children are at school. What happens, what do you do in the face of a colossal disaster where all communications are wiped out and let's just say for the sake of argument the roads are impassable. Nick works an hour away and across a major river by car, my parents and family are 3+ hours away. It makes one think.

Short version ~ Stephen King ramps it up with this novel.

Weekend

The drive over was rainy, but beautiful. There was an accident so we were stuck going nowhere for, oh, maybe half an hour. The two cars involved were completely torn and smashed. By the time we drove by, there were only police and tow trucks left. A life question came up this weekend. If you could do anything and be the best in the world at it and it would support your lifestyle, what would that be? Not so easy a question is it? Well, not for me anyway. It took me a day of being outside to figure out my answer to that question: I would be an outdoor guide of some sort. Maybe a trail/nature/survival guide for kids in the 5th / 6th grades. We would backpack out into nature some where and I'd teach them to make fire without a match and which berries are edible and how to make a snowcave. So why do I sit behind a desk 5 days a week and only get outside to walk to my vehicle? Something's wrong with this scenario.

Weekend Quickview

More later...

Bend it like Lucy

I plan to spend my weekend here. Here being a snow cabin in the Cascades near Bend. The cabin(s) are shelters with a woodstove and benches made just for hikers to have a short respite. Its rather wonderful to be out in the middle of the forest, tired from the hike, wet from sweat and snow and then the dry, warm cabin. You get out of your layers and hang them to dry while you snack on food and chat with the other hikers. You get all toasty warm and fed and then its back out into the wonderland. We'll be snowshoeing and/or skiing to here, eating some splendid sandwhich and an apple and trail mix and maybe a vegan chocolate chip cookie and then traipsing back on out again on the snow-dusty trail.

That is the plan. I don't know now much snow will be on the ground. That will be the determining factor. I'm sure we'll find something outdoors to do. I can't wait to spend my weekend OUT OF DOORS! Wow, I hadn't realized how much I am missing that right now. I've been indoors for a couple months now and I need some outside. Maybe that'll perk up my atti-mood.

Caffeinated beverage kicking in. I hope you all are as fortunate with the caffeine. And have wonderful weekends. Stay out of trouble ~ why do I think of MC when I say that... (innernet friends, how fun). Oh, and CA - go get yourself some trouble, mild trouble that is, well not trouble exactly, but put your atti-mood shoes on and take life (and boys) by the horns. Ahem, well, you know what I mean.

Ack! Seriously, got to go, caffeine, taking over, must log out before I scare myself any further.

xo

18 and New

One's birthday homage. My Valentine put this together for me and gave it to me yesterday, V-Day and BooBoo's birthday. There was also a stack of other pictures of the little man so I can rearrange if I want. This was perfect.

Still miss him so much.

I'd say he'd want me to go on and have more kitties, but, he really didn't allow other cats near me if he was around. But, I think he'd understand.

So, to growth I aspire.

hearts

So, hearts. Today they are red and pink and gilded and floral and puppied and kittied and baby animaled and cherubed to death. Why does it take Hallmark trying to fill a month with profits to create a day for us to celebrate hearts? (And when I say 'us' I really mean 'men', you know...In all fairness, yes, I understand that romance to him is rewiring the electrical panel and changing the struts on the liftgate. But, what about what romance and hearts mean to me?) Why don't we buy flowers for our hearted ones other times of the year, its actually less expensive mid-January than this week. Why does it take this heart day to look into our friends and lovers eyes and sincerely tell them we heart them? Why is this one day of hearts the day we move away from the sofa table for dinner/tv to the actual dining table for candles and conversation?

More importantly, will I remember this thought pattern in two weeks and make it a habit? Probably not. Or, maybe.

I went and made a purchase that was slated for later in the year, but I figured, why wait? Right? I mean, I am an American, we don't wait well.

So, I bought myself the cute little Canon A710is so I can take all the digital pics I want and post them to the digital delight of all. In fact, I was going to post lovely pictures of Spring today. I realized too late, I don't have the right USB cord with me. I had figured the cord I had that went with the other Canon camera would work. That's what I get for figuring.

Also, today would have been Mr. One's 18th birthday. Just sayin'.

Miscellaneous bits

Nick's b'day. still 2 years younger than me. Go me :) Dinner out with family Friday, homemade blackberry pie after. Dinner for two last night. No cake.

Carat browsing / Tahiti conversations

Annoyances from the far distant past

Professional unrest

Feet mired in clay

I admire those who can jump at life seemingly willy-nilly. I admire those who have the ability to walk upright, even if blindly, into the unknown. I admire those who live, those who really live. My perspective yes, but those who have the cojones to be artists, to raise children, to quit jobs, to say 'I do', to grab at straws because they might actually get one, to soar freely into the blue, to have conviction about something and stick with it, to make a new start at the age of whatever because it doesn't matter what age you are at, its the age that's the scariest. Addendum: Its great when friends come through for you. Good friends make everything better. I'm so grateful to have such friends.

Happy Blogaversary

Wow, its been one year since I began this journey. Let's travel back in time ~~~ insert ~'back in time' ~wavy ~lines ~here ~~~~

Well, here I embark on this new adventure called a "blog".

Questions come to mind... Will it be interesting? Is it important that it be interesting? To whom would it be interesting? What exactly will this blogging (can I say blogging) pull from me? Why exactly am I doing this? Who will actually read it? These and many more questions remain unanswered. I suppose they are far too subjective for any concrete answers anyway.

I guess I'll dive in and see where this journey takes me.

Welcome to my blog.

Its been a year and 146 posts and yes, it is still far too subjective a thing to put inside a box. I've found a voice I didn't know I had. My view on me and the whole wide world has changed, if ever so slightly.

I've learned so much from myself and from the other bloggers out there I've been fortunate to have stumbled upon. I've learned that while I may not be all that good at it, I like to write (take that Mr. Mohr).

I've learned that while I am extremely private about this blog, there's an inner me that would like to be witty and funny and cutesy enough to attract readers. I find myself thinking, "What would Carrie Bradshaw write?" I've never been that person.

I've learned that even though it is my personal journal, of sorts, I rarely find it within myself to completely let go and let the 4 people who actually read this (love you guys!) in on where my brain and my heart are. When I do, I feel I'm too vulnerable and at the same time so free.

Conundrum, yes. Inner struggle, yes. Totally me, yes.

I've put myself under a lot of self-imposed pressure to live up to some really vague standard set by an invisible someone with a scrutinizing eye. I guess that someone really is me, but feels like the public in general. What would I do, or would I be able to let it go at that point, if I did have more readers? Wow, in a milisecond, I went from freaked out to dazzled by my own perceived success to OY! What is your brain on? Exit stage left before this goes any further awry.

That said, I'm glad to have taken this plunge.

Here's to another year of blogging and achieving goals I didn't know I had.

To be ...or ... Not to be ~ Madeup

Makeup or no makeup. We each have to make our own decisions. I love not being tied to it, but I'm occassionally torn. Some people look so beautiful with makeup. I think they must have a little Monet in their blood to be able to brush on just the right shade in just the right spot in just the right amount to make everything look "right". The cosmetics industry is amazing and Hollywood has to be their biggest client (duh). All those actors in makeup. I would love to have a couple days - because I'd have to have it shown to me over and over again so I remember - to sit with a Hollywood makeup artist and have them show me how to apply makeup. You know, makeup for everyday, makeup for a saucy date with the boy, makeup for walking the red carpet. I've tried the mall girls and well, have you seen the mall girls? They may look flawless and trendy, but makeup is their business and they want to sell you tons of it so, no ill will towards any of them, I don't want to wear makeup that has to be put on with a putty knife and removed with industrial strength solvents. I always wanted to be one of those women who wore makeup but when you looked at me, you wouldn't quite be able to tell I was wearing makeup. I'd just look flawless and perfectly highlited and shadowed with perfectly shaped voluptuous lips that had just a hint of shine, but didn't blind you or frighten you. Then I would think, "Why do I want to take the time and energy and spend the cashola to make people believe I don't wear makeup?" Both sides of that make sense to me and that's the crazy. As a general rule, I'm a mascara only girl. If I don't have on mascara at the very least, everyone asks, "Hey, are you tired?" or "Not feeling well today?" or my favorite, "Heavens to Murgatroid! Where are you eyes woman?" I will occassionally add a little liner or shadow or powder, when I'm feeling racy. But, my very most favorite time is vacation in tropical climes when I don't wear any makeup at all - being in and out of the water all day and wearing masacara don't mesh - and I get lightly tanned and no one asks if I'm feeling under the weather.

That is my dream, no more makeup because I live on a tropical island and have a perpetual golden tan and don't feel I need it.

I fear as I add candles to my birthday cake I may be adding cosmetics to my bag and that saddens me ever so slightly. Please let me know if I'm 73 and my round pink, yet transparent, cheeks clash with my purple hair!

Extra! Extra!

Well, I never thought I was one of those people. I really always thought that if some famous or influential person was walking down the street next to me, or sitting by me at an event or standing in line by me at the grocery that I would take it all in stride like nothing. I mean, don't those types of people just want to be treated like any regular person when they are buying TP? I would think they'd be tired of the limelight and want to just, if only once in awhile, blend in.

One time back in the early '90s, I was on the Light Rail and I thought for certain Steven Tyler and whoever his lead guitarist is/was was on the train with me. At the time, hello, fan. But, I just, you know minded my own business and only glanced sideways to sneak peeks - just to try to make certain, you know. No one was making a fuss over them, but I was on a commuter train, lots of stuffies barely awake at that hour of the morning. Why would they know about Aerosmith? I realize now that there was very little chance it actually was them, but, how many people dress and look like them...anyway. Can you tell I'm not entirely certain it wasn't them.

My point being, I just got invited to a private blog of a woman who is a friend of a friend. A blog I used to read, but it went private and couldn't any more. An addiction I had to supress, but now, hey, completely free to indulge once more. Scary I can get giddy from this. This is why I don't do drugs ~ way too susceptible.

Thank you Miss C and also to MC for the invite. (I'd link it for you, but didn't you read the post? Its private. hehehe) Yeah for me! A new / old blog to stalk.

Yikes! I just reread this and Oy! Oh well.

Just Read: The Nanny Diaries

Author: Emma McLaughlin and Nicola Kraus

Every once in a while I want to read something fluffy. Ok, well, probably more often than once in a while, but this is a genre I don't normally gravitate towards so I see it as a departure in my reading style, if you will.

I read this last Spring, some time after I had read The Devil Wears Prada. I was looking for something light and found it in this novel. [Prada, wildly funny and amusing and well, most of us I think can relate. I think we've all had a supervisor or boss who on some occassion has at least some of the characteristics of Miranda Priestly. The book was fantastic, the movie, eh, I guess it was ok, if you hadn't a clue about what really happened in the book that is. But, I digress.]

I was in the mood for something light and funny and witty and this book filled all my needs. An NYU student takes a position as a nanny for a wealthy, very wealthy, family. The mother is neurotic and in her own world, the father is absent in more ways than one and the child in the mean time has all the traits a child with this type of parents would have (snotty, self-centered, lonely, etc). It is intelligently funny, (is that a real phrase I can say), heart warming, brought my blood to a simmer a few times and in the end I was touched. I ended up rooting for those I didn't think I would be rooting for when I first began the story.

Yes, similar in idea to Prada. But different enough to warrant the page turning. Still worth it in my opinion. A quick and fluffy read you won't regret.

I see this is on IMDB and is slated to come out as a movie in 2007.

the long haul ~ edition XII

did i tell you i've been having an incredibly horrific 2007. january in its entirety was pretty much ugly and all i want to do is write it off as not having happened. i gave myself a new start to the new year at the beginning of february then had to push it back to saturday because, january's unpleasantness slopped over into the new month. i blame it on the incredibly beautiful but monstrously intrusive full moon. saturday was to be the new, new beginning. what do i do? i lose my keys at the office. yep, went to work, well, because this time of year is just crazy for me then after a productive morning and a satisfying number of projects off my desk, i can't find my keys to leave. 15 excruciating minutes of searching and it actually took someone else who was working on their saturday to locate them for me. i was almost in tears. here i'd done my mental sit ups and was ready to put january behind me and here it is again, something inocuous making my life more hectic and stressed than it should be. i'm not sure what it is or what it was, but a bad string of weeks can just take out my sense of all is/or will be alright with the world.

what does it all mean? not much in the grand scheme of things. while life can be frustrating and daunting and overwhelming and can sometimes take every ounce of energy you have to get out of bed in the morning, each day can be a new start. every day can be the beginning of a new year with resolutions (or not). each day is a new chance to make life a happy one in spite of all the external forces working against us.

i just hope i don't have to start new every week. i'd like to know a few peaceful weeks in a row.