When things come together

It doesn't happen all the often in my little world. I usually have some strife and some anxiety and some difficulty. Yes, in hind sight, I have had those very things. But, for now, for right now, life is wonderful. No looking forward into the endless possibility of gloom. No looking back and worrying about the past. Just now. Just here. Just this time and place. I have happiness and joy and peacefulness and I am lingering in it and reveling in it and sleeping at night and waking in the morning and that's enough. For now.

Update

The weekend went well. We got most things on the list done, well, except for any type of working out or hiking or bread making. Hmm. What I/we did get done or at least started: Met with the caterers. They were fantastic. Have another caterer I'm supposed to talk with, will probably do that, but really liked the ones we talked to. Most likely in our best interest to talk to more than one though. This is a major hurdle and since they are willing to coordinate all the linens and tent rentals and heaters and stemware and setting up and tearing down and, and, and… its taken a huge weight off me. Talked with Gainor at the Houlton Bakery today who has said she'll attempt to make my recipe for our cake. We were having a time finding someone to bake and decorate a cake of my recipe. It seems very few bakeries want to do this because they don’t want to make a crappy recipe and have their name on it. Makes sense to me, but, my cake is fabulous, so I’m not worried. And also, the cake has to be non-dairy, which most bakeries didn’t quite even grasp. So, very excited about this. Emailed her the recipe so she can try it out and hopefully this coming weekend we can taste some cake. Yum! Decided on the flowers. I'll have bright yellow and ivory callas. Maid of honor will have yellow callas. Groom and best man will have bright yellow mini-callas then all the other flowers will be yellows and off-whites and some of those mini-irises, the brilliant purple ones with the yellow throats. Yes the colors are yellow with a touch of purple as an accent. They are technically complementary and go together perfectly visually. (The colors are Not purple and gold.) Found the invitation paper and worked more on the invite language. Got most of the addresses for mailing.

Had a (well, actually several mini) emotional meltdown(s). It was full moon and we moved more of my stuff to Mister's place and wedding planning and I can't explain it, but it was an emotionally exhausing Saturday. I ended up taking a nap and felt much better after. And Sunday was pretty wonderful. Seems like we did more than that but, I guess not. Doesn’t sound like much on paper, but it takes a ton of time. This coming weekend, my best friend and maid of honor will be here from Sonoma so we’ll go dress shopping and probably taste wine and hopefully she’ll go with Mister and I to taste cake and well, I’m sure there is more stuff to do. It all just has to come in time.

The weekend outlook

Friday:

7:00 - Work 4:30 - Walk with Sara 6:00 - Home to Mister 7:30 - Dinner at Blossoming Lotus 9:00 - 'Other' home to pick up Harley and clothing 10:00 - Other, other home to wind down and sleep

Saturday:

8:30 - Fran and I meet Barb at flower market to peruse wedding floral possibilities and centerpieces etc 10:00 - Farmer's market to pick up weekly CSA gathering 12:00 - Figure out how to get the elliptical from home to home. Pack more stuff. Unpack more stuff. Make zucchini bread. Clean homes. Gather addresses for invitations. Work out somehow, someway. Laundry. Mister and I need to register for our wedding. Mow the lawn - although I'll hopefully talk Mister into doing that for me. Figure out a healthy dinner. Clean up, once again. Relax a little. That will take me/us through to late evening.

Sunday:

8:00 - Hike somewhere. Be outside 1:00 - Home to clean up, yet again. Unpack and organize more stuff. 3:00 - Caterer arriving with sample foods for us to taste. 9:00 - Wonder where all the weekend went.

It sounds like so much when you write it all down.

Tidbits

I am aware that no one wants to know what I had for breakfast (yogurt, flax flakes and bluberries) and coffee, but this is how I started my day.

Met up with a couple girlfriends last night. Talked wedding planning. I love how everyone, everyone says, "Its your day. You shouldn't compromise what you want." Then immediately proceed to let you know what they think is a good idea. I know it comes from a good place in their hearts, its just really hard for someone like me, who is a people pleaser as a general rule, first of all to adopt an 'its all about me' attitude and secondly to let all the wonderful "advice" go by and still do what I want. Well, so far, other than it being with Mister, I've not really gotten anything I wanted. I hope I don't throw some kind of tizzy fit on the actual wedding day and crawl into a corner with a pout on my face refusing to be social and get married. There, I've said it. Bridezilla I am not. But I do want a fun party to celebrate with my friends and family. It will all be fabulous in the end, I know this, its just been a tortuous journey.

Ok, enough whining. I am having some fun with the planning, even if I won't be on the beach barefoot or in a size 6 Vera Wang.

Wednesday, the overbooked day

Its Wednesday and I have made several sets of plans, on accident, sort of. I have a tendency to over plan. I think maybe because I really want to do everything and well, there's just not time for that. There's a part of my brain that really believes there should be enough hours in the day to do everything we want to do plus relax at the end of it. I am super unhappy about myself when I overbook which is only bad for me so, back to the original question, why do I do it?

What should I do and what will I do, well, they aren't necessarily the same thing. I also find when I have overbooked myself I end up cancelling on everyone because I feel completely overwhelmed. Now what purpose does that serve?

Ok, so this is probably one of those really simple and most likely scary things that anyone would understand and yes maybe I was a bottle baby, but its still an enigma to me.

I'll end with a cute picture to distract myself and possibly everyone else too.

Just Read: Restless

Author: William Boyd

A woman became a british spy during WWII. She's lived her adult life with the fear of being found out. This is a secret she's kept from everyone in her life, including her husband, until now. She reveals this shocking story to her grown daughter, Ruth. Ruth is now thrust into a surreal world where she learns about her mother's previous life for the first time. At first Ruth thinks her mother must be losing her mind, but over the course of the story, discovers its all true.

I loved this book. We all have lives that our, for example, parents might not really know about. We all have lives we lived before we met the person we are with currently. And if we move on in time to another relationship, will add this current one to the list of past lives. No one really knows where we've been or how we've survived. This is absolutely applicable to our parents. But, I think we take for granted that what we know of them is who they have always been. Imagine that is all turned upside down and your mother reveals she's someone completely different from what she's made you believe your entire life.

The story is great. I was intrigued every moment. The spy stuff was fun to learn about even if it isn't true to life, I'll never know. I'll look for his other book soon. (At some point, I've got to pick up the new Harry Potter, but will most likely either wait for it to come out in paperback or borrow it from someone more affluent.)

I really recommend this book.

So

this is the way it seems to work. About 3:00 in the afternoon, by brain and body shut down and I am exhausted with a capital E. I work until 4:00 and by the time I get home I'm dragging. Once every couple weeks, and then its usually a few days in a row, I allow myself a 'little' nap. Sometimes just a half hour will work wonders. Sometimes its 2 hours later and I have to make myself get up off the sofa. There are the days, though, when I don't nap, but get on the elliptical, which is really the best thing for me, but its not easy to do the best thing even when you know its the best thing, cause, a nap is so much easier than working out....... I digress. So more often than not, I get on the elliptical, do my stint and have more energy. Fine.

By the time bedtime (ahem.... 9:30) rolls around, I'm ready to collapse in bed and snooze until the wretched alarm. Well, except I never make it all the way to the alarm. I've got my usual sleep issues, I'm used to those. What I am having a difficult time getting used to, what I don't want to get used to, what I want to change, is Harley jumping on me and cooing in my face with his wet cat food breath. He's just a little doll, but man, last night he was in my face and running around and attacking windows all the night long. I also, in the face of all this, have started waking up at 3:00 in the AM. Yep, several days in a row now.

Now I have always had sleep issues. I can fall asleep at the drop of a hat most of the time, my problem is staying asleep. As a general rule, I wake up a lot each night, but fall right back to sleep. Lately, I wake up and just toss and turn and lay there. Its amazing how slowing time clicks away when you are watching the clock and at the very same time how quickly it ticks when you are trying to sleep and can't and the next thing you know 45 minutes have gone by. Can you say stressed much? Oy.

Can you say caffeinated much. I don't even remember where I was going with this post I've digressed so far.

I guess that's just the story of my little life these days. Work, work out, sleep and try not to stress about stuff. The only problem with stress is that no matter how much you think you have it under control, it lets you know its still there. But it only seems to be able to let you know these things in the wee hours of the night.

Oh, Happy Friday.

Life Happens

The photo doesn't really give a proper perspective. These roses, my very most favorite they smell like real roses should, in my opinion, were probably 5 1/2 feet tall. They all bloomed at the very same time and were amazing.

We are a strange being, us humans. I had a nice conversation last evening with a friend. She's one of my three blog readers and asked if my "mid-life crisis" had ended. Had I gotten through it, out the other side, was I all better with me and mine? I hadn't thought about it much, but the instant she asked, I realized I didn't think so. The only thing that had really changed was, well two things.

1. I'd taken action in an area of my life where I've always felt I had no control. I'd always been someone's puppet because sometimes being a puppet has financial benefits. Since I'm a person who likes things to remain constant, a solid financial present-tense is a big plus. So, I'd started the real estate thing and felt I'd actually done something for me and me alone and my personal financial future. As far as that goes, see #2 below. I've not had time or the energy to complete this thing I started. I will again with renewed vigor, post nuptials. 2. Mister had asked me to marry him. This is by far and away the most influential reason I've put aside my personal, internal crisis. It's taken my mind off what I perceived to be an inability to be in any sort of control of my life and where I am going with it. I now have a focus and more of a direction. Let's face it, when you get married, or are in a serious long-term relationship your choices aren't completely your own. There are others to consider in the decision making process. It's limiting and yet freeing at the same time. I now have the focus completely on planning a wedding, moving out of my lovely (albeit modest) home and into Mister's space and the honeymoon. I have no time for crisis, well, other than finding an officiant and a caterer that won't cost me my life savings and getting the flowers to the event on time and, and, and.......

Moral of the story: Not that a moral is needed, but what I'm taking away from this is, crisis will pass. It really will. It will pass more swiftly and certainly if there's something to take your mind off it or to help you work through it.

Blogging has been wonderful for me for lots and lots of reasons. Thank you CA for introducing me to it and to all it entails.

Annoyance

You know what's annoying..... its annoying when you post something here on good ol' blogger and hours go by without the post actually showing up on your blog.

Does that happen to you guys too?

So, this post was a little test because the post I posted this morning isn't on the blog. Neither is this one as of 1:34.

Anyway...

More Nostalgia

You don't know it, but I am a wrinkled dork in this picture because I am a maniac (MANIAC) about following directions. I used to be the most rule followin' girl you could imagine. Well, that's my recollection.

Yes, the cheap graduation gown is very wrinkled, it's been folded in its plastic wrap for lord knows how many years. But, the instructions said - they said - don't iron or if you HAVE to iron, use a 'cool' iron. Don't want to burn or mangle the beyond cheap fabric. Don't want to walk the walk with an iron shaped burn on the gown, that would be way worse than a few wrinkles.

So, then my best friend shows up and she and/or her mom have more of a brain in their heads and have used somewhat of a warmer iron on her gown and she's all smooth and my wrinkles are underlined and bolded.

I love it.

Memories.

Tuesday

A little washed out, a little blurry.

Still soft, furry and pink. Sometimes life's just that way.

WARNING - This is a little depressing

I wrote the following email this morning. It started out as a short two liner and ended up, as you can see, much more involved. When I was done, I realized it was more of a post. Maybe that's because I'm so used to posting that my email have become drab narrative. I don't know. All I know is when I hit send, I realized I needed to post it here. The place I had earlier decided I wasn't going to post about this topic. It depresses me, it makes me sad in so many ways and it makes me want to have one large estate sale and buy a one way ticket to someplace else. In that light, read on. Note, you've been duly warned.

T -

I'm ready to live on a tropical island somewhere, barefoot, no tv, no radio, no news of the outside world of any kind. I don't believe in anything this country says it stands for. I have been on the edge of believing in any of our politicians but have decided they are all liars and puppets. I think that they probably start out with the best of intentions and then once they are in and see how things are done and how there really is no way out they learn the ropes and rules and even though they may be trying, they really are just another part of the intricate game there is no way we could have complete understanding or knowlege of. There is nothing I can do, or really even care to do at this point, to make things better. I'm ready to leave and be done with it all, just go my own way and live my own life and be happy in my ignorant bliss. I mean really, what good does for me to know anything about the world and its politics. All it does is make me unhappy. I've always had my doubts (like millions of other people) about what really happened on 9/11 (and SO many other important historical dates). We just now have the technology to put more information into the hands of regular people like you and me. Here is another recap of the 9/11 events with some interesting information about how the general public was mislead or tried to be mislead about the facts. Some of this stuff I had already either come to myself or had read in other places. Stuff like, the pentagon, where was the wreckage? where was the plane? why did the planes in the world trade centers supposedly cause so much distruction that the buildings (skyscrapers) came down and the same type of plane (supposedly) hit the pentagon and there weren't even scorch marks 10 feet from the crash site. I wasn't going to watch it, I'm sick of it and have been for years. How frightening is that, its been years now. But, I started it and couldn't stop watching. Some very good information. It seems to me some of it is spin, how could it not be. EVERYthing we hear and see is spun to someone's benefit, but still, just look at the pictures. A picture is worth 1,000 words. Draw your own conclusions. Google Video I'm tired, so very, very tired.

Remember, you were warned.

We'll see

It is time to get serious. I've been so completely lax about this wedding planning, a little this, a little that, no real sense of a timeframe since we got the venue locked down.

I do realize time isn't going to stand still for us though. Today, I printed out a calendar of the 3.5 (yes, that's three and one-half) months. I think with it in front of me in black and white, I'll be more motivated - well more likely stunned into action.

I just want to take pictures of flowers and cats.

That will have to wait,

a little,

maybe,

we'll see.

Vegan Yum Yum

Vegan Yum Yum.

Check out this site. I was doing a little surfing and maybe just a tad stalking and found this interesting site. I'll check it out over the next few weeks, it may become one of my regulars.

Let me know what you think.

Just Read: The Hungry Tide

Author: Amitav Gosh

This book, nice. I read this book out of guilt, which I won't begin to tell you about. The point is, I had no expectations and probably even less than that, I expected to be bored and to most likely not finish it. Turns out this book hooked me nearly immediately and kept my attention to the very last sentence.

The story is set in India, specifically the Sundarbun Islands in the Bay of Bengal. Two travelers' paths cross and two very different individuals find themselves learning about each other and themselves in a way they hadn't planned. They discover other people along the way who have lives so at odds to what they know and yet the striking similarities in humans and their emotional experiences, no matter who they are or where the came from, are comparable.

Piya is a young Indian woman whose parents emigrated to Seattle. She grew up as an American eschewing just about everything about her heritage. She became a research scientist and found a cause, river dolphins. She's been around the world researching these rare animals. Her current project has brought her back to her parent's homeland, India.

Kanai (pronouned like Hawaii) is an upper caste Indian with an air of arrogance. When he was a child, his parents sent him to Lusibari, a poor, out of the way, tidal island featuring promiently in the story, to spend time in the tide country with his uncle and aunt to teach him some humility. He is now on a sort of pilgrimage back to Lusibari long after his uncle has passed away to read a journal that was left to him.

The writing is smart, the story never talks down to the reader. Its interesting and at times politically and socially and morally thought provoking. I liked how the layers of each of the two main individuals and the supporting characters peel away revealing more and more of their true selves.

Very much worth the read, I thought. I'll probably seek out more of Amitav Gosh's books. The only other of which I know is The Glass Palace.

Just Sunday

You know that feeling? I sometimes used to get that feeling when tomorrow was the first day of school or your birthday was a week ago or its the first full weekend after you get back from vacation. Its almost a foreboding but, you don't quite know why and there's nothing really going on that seems all that monstrous. Maybe that's exactly the feeling... that there's nothing monstrous... that its all just normal.

Do you know that feeling?

Caterers and Wine

We checked out this place, Urban Wine Works, last evening. They are a winery affiliated with one of our prospective caterers. The caterers were also there hosting First Thursday, the monthly Portland art walk. Downtown art galleries open themselves up to the public for the evening and the streets are filled with people milling around and checking out art. Its rather fun, especially in the summer when the evening is warm.

The wine was just ok. Well the two wines that would have been available for the wedding were just ok. Not my taste. I did, however, buy a bottle of an Argentinian wine that was pretty fantastic. What was it? I don't remember. I have short term memory issues it seems right now.

The food, well, it was difficult to know. There really wasn't an accurate assortment of the right foods at the event. The caterers have a sustainable, local and organic work practice which is important to us, so that's good. The food last night was a lot of raw vegetables with a really tasty curry sauce, some cheesy things we didn't sample since we don't do dairy and steak kabob thingys. But, we did meet the two women, they seem really great. We'll set up a time to meet with them privately to talk about our menu and to sample some of what they propose to serve. Its sort of fun. We get to do this with several caterers, eat their food then decide what works for us.

That's the update.

Just Watched: Thank you for smoking

Interesting concept. Great delivery. How do I feel about it? Not quite sure I can answer that.

4th of July

Happy Independence Day.

Freedom is to be celebrated and embraced.

Just Read: The Virgin's Lover

Author: Philippa Gregory

I've been on an historical fiction kick lately. Books, movies, you name it. The Virgin's Lover is, for now, most likely the final book. I've exhausted myself of this topic, for now. When I read The Boleyn Inheritance, I was not drawn in, not captivated. I figured I'd have the same reaction to this book. Not so. I really liked this one. It kept my attention and in the end, I was dissapointed it ended when it did. I wanted the story to continue.

This is the story of Queen Elizabeth I and her scandalous affair with Robert Dudley. By today's standards, right up there with the best of them. Queens and ladies in waiting and jousting and the clothing with its intricacies and all the pomp associated with every movement a royal made intrigues me for some unknown reason. I'm not all that star struck, but the only thing I can liken it to is Hollywood and the pedestal we put actors upon. We follow their every move and can't wait for more magazines and television shows and news stories about their lives. Seems it was much the same for the royals in history. This story touches on the difficult and at times heart wrenching choices that had to be made for the Country and often against the queen's personal choices. The trickery involved in protecting the queen when she had to make those difficult choices and the lengths to which the throne was protected, at any cost, it captures my attention.

Anyway, a nice read. I was left wanting more, which I find better than wishing it was over long before it ends.

CSA: June 30

The goods from Saturday's CSA adventure. Good lookin' food.

• walla walla onion
• red scallions
• lettuce
• spinach
• radicchio
• cucumber
• red potatoes
• cherries
• basil
• carrots
• tomato
• red cabbage

We purchased a 3/4 share from this year's crop. We weren't sure if it would be enough food since we hadn't actually done this before. If it wasn't going to turn out to be enough food, we figured we'd be at the farmer's market each week anyway, we could supplement as needed. We've found that the full share has only a couple more items than in our 3/4 share box. This week, it was one more walla walla onion, some frisee and a cucumber. Well, as you can see, for some unknown reason, we got a cucumber. As it is now, we have to remind ourselves not to go crazy buying other produce because we have a hard enough time (but a good time) trying to eat all the veggies we get in our package.

It's about two bags of fresh veggies each week and it lasts us, even with eating veggies at lunch and dinner every day, for more than a week. So far each week, we've had potatoes. When we get the new batch, we do our best to eat up the previous week's. A couple nights ago, Mister took the purple potates from a week or so ago, cubed them, coated them with a little olive oil, S/P and rosemary, baked them and they were really fantastic. The next day for breakfast, we warmed them up and had them along side some pasture raised eggs (also from the farmer's market) scrambled with green onions and spinach. Fantastic!

We are very much enjoying our CSA experience.

Happy eating.