Vulnerable

I have a BFF.  She and I have known each other for something like 25 years.  Needless to say, we've been through a lot together over those years.  We like to say that one of the many reasons we've stayed so close for this many years is that we both have embraced the need to grow as individuals while understanding that everyone grows at their own rate, each allowing the other to stretch our binding tether and each never letting go.  I believe our tether is mutual respect and love.  We have each outgrown the other at different times.  Sometimes she is more advanced than I.  Sometimes its the other way around.  The best description of our enduring friendship I can think of is this:  There have been times in our lives when we would spend at least an hour on the phone each and every day.  I would get on my elliptical trainer and she would get on her stationary bicycle, each with our phones connected to headsets.  We could easily chat for 90 minutes.  It was great to have someone to not only work out with, but someone close enough to my heart to help me feel less alone, less lonely, less orphaned and more heard.  In addition to all that, having someone to chat with while working out makes the workout seem like only a few minutes.  Did I mention she and I live in different states?  But, I digress...

Anyway, we were exchanging email of late and as I wrote to her, the words really sank into me.  Even though I was the one writing them, they seemed profound and real and tangible.  Like I really do own these words.  They aren't just a goal I'm striving toward.  They are my life.  I may not always succeed and I will always have more personal 'work' to slog through.  I wanted to memorialize these thoughts here, in My little space in the universe.  I do this on occasion so I will have a place to return for reflection during those times when I don't feel like I own it.

So, here's the excerpt from the email exchange.  Out of context a bit for the random reader, but for me, it makes much sense.

"I can't tell you how much I appreciate your positive reinforcement and feedback.  I sometimes feel like I'm wandering in the wilderness and sometimes like I'm right on track.  It hasn't been easy to come to terms with my life being My Life.  I'm responsible for it.  I'm in charge of it.  I control it.  I get to choose.  In fact, I have to choose.  Even though its been a hard road (you know, you've been there with me for nearly all of it) all the hard choices have made my life pretty darned rewarding.  Do I wish I gave back more ... I do.  Am I trying to figure out ways to do just that ... I am. I only have so much time here ... in THIS place ... in THIS time ... I want to make the most and best of what I have left."

I'll leave you (me) with that thought to ponder, to mull, to masticate.

Its me, out there, vulnerable.  Even if I'm only vulnerable with myself, its a necessary beginning.

Ciao.

Dear Lucy,

the first thing you need to know is, "you've come a long way, baby". (is that a cigarette slogan? anyway...) my first reaction is to warn you of the pitfalls which are coming your way. to give you a heads-up that heartbreak and confusion will be an integral part of your life for the next 10 years. to caution you about all that was difficult or devastating. to give you a virtual slap on the forehead for all the ridiculous, self-deprecating, unhealthy thoughts you harbor. to tell you to drop everything in your life, right now, and grab hold of that dream you had and follow it across the universe if that's where it leads. go! be different! be happy! choose yourself and let go of what you think others need from you. after some reflection, i realize that it doesn't really matter where you are in the world or what dream you think you are following, you are who you are, inside. i think that no matter what situation you put yourself into, you have some growing up to do and no one can do that for you. its a task for you and you alone.

i now just want to give you some comfort that all the disappointment and self-loathing you will go through in your 20's (and yes, it will not be 100% a fun time of your life) will only prepare you for your 30's, which will turn out great. don't beat yourself up so much, if you can help it. you're still learning the ropes. you are learning all the smack-you-in-the-face lessons you will need to learn in order to be a good friend, a better daughter, a more healthy family member and yes, you actually will meet a wonderful man who loves you unconditionally. you will find a group of amazing women who will cry with you, laugh with you and support your every endeavor. believe it or not, a day will come when you won't care so much about what others think. you'll trust yourself more. you will begin to listen to your intuition and good things will flow from that. snuggle up that mr. one. he'll get you through it all and will break your heart like its never been broken before when he goes to that great catnip patch in the sky. eat organically when possible, it makes a difference, you'll learn more about that later. i know you will never believe me, but no@! you aren't fat. that said, please don't get complacent or lazy about it. please keep working out regularly, you'll regret it if you don't. ok, enough of the advice you won't heed anyway. remember, i am here, waiting and cheering for you. just keep putting one foot in front of the other, you will make it. i promise. all my love and support, lucy ps - go get 'em!

2010

How was your New Year's Eve?

Ours was pretty great. Got to hang with wonderful friends, good food, good drinks, fun and games, home and in bed by 1:00. Nothing to complain about.

One of the fun things we did on 12/31/09 was play a game of Jenga.

(photo from the wikipedia website)

You know, the stack of wooden blocks one person pulls one block, then another person pulls a block until the entire tower topples. This Jenga had a twist though. A few years ago, the owner of the Jenga game sat around with a group of friends (it might have even been a new years event) and wrote messages on many of the Jenga blocks. There were messages like, "kiss the host", "bark like a dog", and a good number of blocks also said "take a shot" or "give a shot". You know, an adult drinking game.

I successfully pulled a block from the tower without knocking it over. And proceeded to read the messages written. The message was "what is your philosophy of life".... and "take a shot". I rattled off something unintelligible, took my shot and the game moved on. But, that little message has stuck with me. Gnawed at me a bit. Has made me think things through over the last few days. Obviously, because here I am posting about it.

What is your philosophy of life? And how do you put that into one sentence? How do you pare down the way you try to live your life into one sentence, or maybe two sentences? Let me tell you, its not that easy. I would come up with what I thought was the master sentence, the one that encapsulated 'me' and then, a few minutes or hours later, I would realize I had missed something crucial.

I've narrowed mine down, for now, to this pearl of wisdom (or not): Be true to your heart while keeping others hearts in mind and speak honestly.

So, What is your philosophy of life?

Giving Thanks

i like it when my life, my goings on, my surroundings, friends, family, job, are all on an even keel. who doesn't like that? i like when my little blog here is all light and air. when i'm not feeling like the world is sitting on my shoulders and getting larger by the minute. its so easy to immerse myself into the happy while its here and forget about the bigger picture. i'd much rather be in that mellow, all is good space. its easier. today, thanksgiving, i want to remember a bit, not in a melancholy way, but in an accepting sort of way that life isn't always a bed of roses and pansies. i might be more inclined toward teeter-tottering than most, but that's me. and i live with me every day and night.

i have a tendency toward *big* emotions. i love and hurt in big ways. i feel things on a level that i think so many people don't. its not necessarily a good thing. i call it my obsessing or my digressions but what it really is, is me. i do my best to paint over it, to hide it, to keep it to myself. i don't really even journal about it here on my personal journal for fear someone will actually read it. its not something that most people know how to deal with. its not pretty.

in the last year, i got married to a fabulous man. from day one of this relationship i have been me, the real me like i've never been before in any relationship. i was tired of the 'game' that is played at the beginning of most relationships... you know the one... i'll be what i think he wants until he's hooked and then i'll slowly roll out my true self and by then, what's he going to do, he'll already love me... blah blah blah. don't tell me you don't know what i'm talking about. both sides of the relationship do this. but this time i was my self, as true to myself as i could be, and he loved me anyway. that was a first for me. its been amazing. unfortunately for my mister, i've been growing and learning about myself, which i have a tendency toward, but this last year has been leaps and bounds. i've learned things about myself that i thought were only little bits of me, but have turned out to be big parts of me. you don't need details, but for example, i need space. my space, my time, my big empty alone with no one there space and i need more of it than what might be considered normal. we've been working through this, its not easy. anyway, this with a few other things like getting married for the first time and giving up my own home have been tough on me emotionally. i've never really turned to an outside source for solace, comfort, ideas, hand holding. but true to my loner, don't give an inch, don't really let anyone very far "in" personality, i've found the world of blogging.

over the last year, or so, i've found a community of bloggers (i'm sure there are many of these types of communities, i've just found one that fits me) and i read these women's blogs and i feel like i want to know them, in person. its not a real live stalking thing. but it is a strong desire to associate with women who are real and have depth and hurts and lives and who are living, really living. i often don't feel like i'm doing much *living*. these women open their hearts wide open and share and in return receive (at least what i perceive) so much support and prayer and solace in their community, which spans the entire globe i might add.

i can't explain what i'm trying to say.

what i'm trying to say is, today and tomorrow the next day and the next week and year, i am thankful for the inspirational blogging community of women out there who don't even have a clue about how they have uplifted me (and i'm sure many others) and given me hope and sanity and clarity at times when i felt there would be no more of those types of things. thank you for sharing your tribulations and pain and joy and compassion and caring.

thank you.

and a thank you from harley too.

the long haul ~ edition XXII

freedom - a basic need - well, that about says it all. i need freedom, the freedom to come and go as i please, the freedom to care with all my heart because its something i care about, the freedom to create and adore and just stop and be if that's what i need.

my needs aren't being met.

then again, my needs aren't just the freedoms noted above. my needs are shelter, food, water, cat food. those needs are being met. the cost is my sanity and happiness.

this has been brewing inside me for awhile now. i keep finding things to overshadow my need for freedom, things to take my inner focus from my inner churning to something exterior. things like getting married and my realtors license and vacations. i've found they are fleeting and only a bandaid that eventually falls off revealing the gaping would underneath which i haven't tended to. i keep hoping it will just go away with the next 'thing' i find to occupy my mind. i keep thinking its a matter of one thing or another, but its really about a basic need for freedom.

its more complicated than i am able to articulate here in writing. a writer i've never been. a rambler, yes, a writer, not so much.

i've been blog-stalking so many blogs of artists over the last year. they are so free and creative and open and its been my undoing and i hope it will, in the end, be my saving grace. to see that others out there are following their dreams wherever that leads and along the way happiness is a by-product.

my soul and heart are already out there, soaring, my body will sit in a chair at a desk in front of a computer next to a phone always moments away from fulfilling someone else's dreams and aspirations and needs. mine remain in my head and heart, for now.

one day to be released.

i hope.

possibly soon.

no way to know, just waiting for the universe to send me answers.

the long haul ~ edition XXI

aka: a decision, a choice, at the very least, a plan

i work this way. i ponder and fret and wonder and mull 'it' over and over and try to see all the possibilities and pros and cons and it may take me awhile to go through that process but once i have and come to a conclusion, i'm usually pretty good at following through to the bitter or bittersweet or just sweet end.

i just made a decision, literally in the last 10 minutes, mister hasn't even had the luxury of hearing about it, you, my blog friends, are hearing it first. three years. yes, that's what i've given myself, three years to make the decision if real estate will be my future.

i think its a good plan... right... the first year, difficult and not very lucrative, at least that's what I've heard and the first year is when i hope to learn the basics, the ropes as it were. the second year to really understand what it is going on, work on expanding my client base and the third year to just work it and try to relax and have fun.

so, that's the plan. after three years, i'll (i think) be able to make the decision, one career path or another, just not both at the same time. oy!

good thoughts ~ 4/23/2011.

the long haul ~ edition XX

when you've gone and said what you thought was the right thing (or at least the ok thing) but it turned out not to be ok.

then what?

when your intentions were good and honorable, but you still end up inadvertently hurting someone

then what?

when think you are being supportive and you end up alienating someone

then what?

when you care so much about a person and feel like you really do know how they feel, because you've been 'there' but it turns out they don't agree

then what?

when you just need to keep your opinions to yourself, but for some unknown reason you just can't

then what?

when you haven't walked a mile in someone else's shoes even though you think you have

then what?

when you were judgmental even though you didn't mean to be

then what?

Then you remember to be supportive and listen and hold hands and buy the drinks and apologize and mean it and promise to be a better friend and hope this all makes some sort of amends.

Then you hope and pray that someone will be as kind to you during times of need.

the long haul ~ edition XIX

aka: aftermath ~ i'm not talking about trigonometry either

last weekend, i turned 40. i had many, many people asking how i felt and was it going to be weird and would my life as i know it end as foretold by the young ones. my reaction was simple and undaunted. it was going to be great. i didn't really have much of a choice in the matter, i haven't learned how to turn back time as of yet so i may as well embrace it. i have a lot of friends who will be turning 40 this year. it is a sort of group effort. we're all turning, so all have planned events for the turning(s). fun planned events to take the perverbial sting out of the realization that none of us are getting fewer wrinkles, etc.

my event was a lu'au in our back yard. (i can't believe i don't really have photos of the decorations ~ as they were pretty fabulous.) we had coconut shell candles and tikis and a fountain and colorful leis and a lei flower door and a wooden tiki and grass skirts around tables and paper lanterns of various and bright colors hung and multi-color and white lights hung around the sun room and mister strung white lights over the concrete patio like a ceiling of stars and everyone brought fabulous lu'au food, kahlua pork, lomi-lomi salmon, salad, island chicken 'n rice (my own version of chicken long rice where i substituted regular rice for the cellophane noodles which are the common name for long rice), beautiful fruit salad in hollowed out watermelons, cabbage salad, regular salad, pineapple and key-lime chiffon pies, brownies, macaroni salad, good heavens, i've forgotten what all was brought. plenty of beverages with paper umbrellas. my point is that i made it a celebration instead of a wake, you know? i went into it with gusto and had a fabulous time with my family and friends.

... its now the week after and as per my usual "i need something to focus on outside my own head" attitude (what is up with that!!??!?!?! ~ don't answer). anyway, now that the planning and the turning have happened, i have time again to focus on my new career. my new part time career. my new career that is going nowhere and staying there fast........ did that make sense? so, i know its literally only been a month, but i'm not very patient with myself. i want to know it all now and have plenty of clients and know how to handle their questions and not feel like i'm the outsider, the unneeded outsider who is just there to take, the one with literally nothing to offer. i have difficulty with feeling this way. i know it will take time, but as much as time flies, this kind of time taking is exhausting.

i thought that by this time in my life i'd be miss self-confidence and would literally ooze with poise and conviction and would have made some sort of difference here on this planet. i know i'll probably not invent the cure for cancer, but you know, some little mark, some little something that says, i was here.

when you add the full moon into the mix, its a recipe for melancholy. i'm going to immerse myself into this real estate thing which means marketing. promoting myself has never really been my strong suit, so wish me luck. i'm hoping as i dive into this head first, i'll find that i'll have something to focus on once again. the only problem is, the marketing has to really be all about turning and focusing on myself. that's difficult for me.

ok, so i only have a few pics which were sent to me by other guests. i did not get out my camera once. pity really.

anyway, these are my favorite boys, aaron (brother from another mother ~ he brought me shots of good scotch ~ we drank them together), moses (favorite brother and from the same mother ~ one of my heroes in life) mister (my most wonderful, amazing husband).

my most wonderful friend teresa, her handsome beau paul, theresa (my soon to be sister-in-law) and again, moses.

my beautiful friend tracey. she reminds me a bit of tracy ullman, beautiful inside and out and knows it in a good way. at the same time, she's completely ready to laugh at herself at the drop of a hat.

i wish i had more photos of all the lovely wahines who could be there. maybe i'll bug some people and get some more pics to post.

aloha

the long haul ~ edition XVIII

who, what, when, where, why, how

have you ever had turmoil? ridiculous question, i know, who hasn't had some turmoil at one time or another. my turmoil of late, and when i say late i mean the past couple years, has been almost mid-life crisis-ish, i think. at least its what i imagine a mid-life crisis feels like even though its a bit early for me since i'm still so young. ...ahem...

right now, i feel good. i feel fortunate and happy and at peace with my world. its very nice to feel like life is a friend and not an angry pitbull (nothing against pit bulls) out to take your arm off. i'm taking the lion's share of the credit for myself though. i had some angst, whined about it quite a bit here on the old blog, then actually did something about it. i did something to make my life and my days and my future better. now, i don't mean to completely ignore or discount anyone (family and friends, etc.) who were totally there for me during the emotional upheaval. i could not have pulled myself out the other side of the dark tunnel if it weren't for their supporting and loving me. i'm just glad i found i could do something for myself that worked to make me a happier, more calm person.

i heard someone say something recently that made some sense to me. they said that when you are a child and life sucks, you don't have a choice necessarily about it. its too bad and it can be terrible in some cases, but as a child, there aren't many options. but, as an adult, its time to take control because you can. you can take control and make your life better if things suck. no one said it would be easy or that we all could be the king of siam, but just knowing and understanding in our hearts that we can make a difference is a huge step towards finding and achieving those goals, once we figure out what those goals are i mean.

i don't kid myself, i know me and i know that another dark tunnel is around a corner some day. but for now, for right now, the now that i am living, all is well in the land of nod.

so, to answer the rhetorical question posed: me, happy, now, here and now, i tried.

what are your answers to the 5w's and 1h?

the long haul ~ edition XVII

• do you feel the gravitational pull?
• do you feel the not quite, but still sort of queasy butterfly tummy?
• do you feel the unrest? the sense of missing something about yourself that seems it must be completely obvious, but still you're missing it?
• do you see a path? a clear, well marked path?
• do you feel like you are all you can be?
• do you feel your current situation whether it be friends or work or family isn't what it should be?
• do you feel you belong in another set of shoes, a set of shoes that has a direction?
• do you feel like you are oft-times walking around in a slight haze as if you were plucked from another world that you can't quite remember and placed here like a chess piece but don't know why and for what purpose?

these are my thoughts this morning. these are the uneasy feelings i have. these are my tribbles, soft and fuzzy and not all that frightening on the surface and individually, but put them all together and they add up to more than the sum of their parts.

the long haul ~ edition XVI

aka tumult, turmoil, unrest.

early last year, i started this... this... whatever it is i'm going through. you may call it a mid-life crisis or an awakening or cause for a trip to the psych-ward, whatever it is, its here, its back... again... still.

when mister and i got engaged last may, life changed irrevocably. my focus went from me, me, me to planning a wedding for us and all the joy and happiness and stress that comes with planning an event and getting married and moving and changing everything about my life. don't get me wrong, i'm happy about it. its just that before the engagement i had started pondering things about my life and goals and direction. i was in turmoil about what i was 'supposed' to do with life and where was i going and how was i going to get there and just exactly what is it that i want. the new big thing became the wedding and i had a new focus and it wasn't just me. for several months, i had something external and pretty much all encompassing to think and fret about and then there was the honeymoon and then the holidays and then... nothing. a huge breath of air wafted over me and there was a silence. it was like being at a big party or a concert and you walk outside or into a bathroom or wherever and the noise is quite suddenly dampened. i was, once again, alone in my head with my thoughts of me.

there was of course the post wedding let down, then there was the post holiday let down. you know, we all go through some version of those. but when all that cleared and i was able to focus on the din, i realized i was right back where i started last april. right back in the fray of my swirling thoughts and energy. where am i going, what am i doing, what do i want, how do i get there.

so, here i am. writing it down as a form of catharsis. a vehicle from which i hope to gather myself.

i know there's peace and beauty there, i'm just having trouble seeing it, focusing on it, being aware of it, knowing how to see it for what it is.

the long haul ~ edition XV

so just because i'm cranky and in a bad mood doesn't mean i have the right, nay the obligation, to spread the ugliness to all. i was sure if i spread it around there'd be less for me to have to deal with, but nope. it just means i feel worse because i've made made the world just a little less nicer place to be. you know, the whole 'pay it forward' thing. well, it works with negativity too. so, in that light, i'll do what i can do deal with the nastiness that pervades my cells this day/week so as to keep the world a nicer place.

i am officially insane. the promise of padded walls and injected drugs are my only solace.

don't you love pms. i certainly do.

the long haul ~ edition XIV

do you ever feel like the only one that doesn't belong?

i do. lately i'm feeling like i'm in a sea of normal people who are going about their lives without nearly as much distress or turmoil. like i'm the only one with inner thoughts of unrest and even sometimes anxiety about where i'm going with this life, what i'd like the picture of my life to look like. i want to be a good person and i want to be successful in relationships and career. i want to have enough time each and every day to wake up of my own accord rather than by the screaming alarm clock. i want to look forward to going to the office. i want to have time for lunch with friends and cocktails after work and time to work out every day and time to ride my bike and to hike and to make great dinner in the evening and not have to think about getting to bed at a decent hour so i'm not wrung out the next day when that blasted alarm clock screams at me once again.

i don't want these things handed to me on a silver platter........well, maybe i wouldn't mind if that were to happen... i recognize there's work involved, i just want to care about the work and feel like what i'm doing is making a difference.

is this a pre-mid life crisis? do i just need a red sports car and everything will be better? do i just need to realize this is life, get used to it. life isn’t a bowl of chocolate covered cherries without calories. is life supposed to be a struggle most of the time while trying to fit in some play time before i’m too old to be able to play?

i feel like i’ve missed some class, life 101, where they told you the secrets of navigating life and how to make the most of the time given. i feel like i’m stuck on a dock and everyone is boarding the cruise ship of life sailing away towards sunny places and happy careers and i don’t know where to buy a ticket.

that said, how do you know when the titanic has pulled into port and you should trade your ticket for a bag of magic beans? maybe staying in port isn’t all that bad.

oy, i think i may just have made a breakthrough of sorts. stream of thought journaling can be useful.

still wondering though, should i buy a ticket to a far away land or will that ticket turn into disaster to be written about for decades to come.

breathe and blog. that’s all I know right now.

the long haul ~ edition XIII

so, what if i do think i want to be a survival guide to 11 and 12 year olds?

what does that mean? am i just fed up with the concrete jungle? how long would it take until i missed it enough to come running back? i do love the skyline and the restaurants and the theater and the music and the airport and the proximity to just about everything you'd ever want to do. (i've always loved airports. when i was a kid, we'd occassionally fly to see some relative and the stewardesses, you could call them that then, were friendly and gave you little airplane wing pins and you flew in a yellow banana airplane and everyone in the airport was happy because they were going on a vacation or picking up a loved one. Its just not the same post 9/11, well, at all now that I think about it. everyone is nervous and annoyed because you have to say goodbye to loved ones 2+ hours before your flight and sit alone in the terminal and you can't have your own $.75 water because it might be plastic explosives and you have to buy the airport water for $3.27 and if you don't finish it, well you have to dump it before you get on the plane and well things could have changed in regards to all this because it changes rather daily and you never know when you get to the airport what to expect from security. one friday you get on the plane with your brand new clinique mascara and two days later the burly security guard takes your $15 black magic no matter how much you beg from you because while you were enjoying yourself in the sonoma valley, security risks changed according to some random administration whim and desire to affect public view and scare us into believing things that in all actuality are smoke and mirrors. but, i'm off topic here.) personal upheaval is difficult. difficult to be in the midst of and i am sure difficult to watch. nonetheless, here i am, wondering, pondering, cogitating, considering, reflecting, ruminating and on and on. i'm in a back eddy unable to pull myself free from the circuitous motion of knowing life isn't all that bad all things considered but wanting something different because i've done this for a very long time now. i can do it with my eyes closed. i made an outline of all the things i do during a typical day and i ended up with four job descriptions. four separate positions that should be done by four different people. don't get me wrong, i'm not saying i'm super woman, i'm saying the opposite. i'm saying i'm a crazy person who has taken on way more than i ever should have but due to what i like to call my (perfectionist, anal, precise, you fill in your own adjective here) nature i have a difficult time delegating and hiring people who have a work ethic and will do what i want the way i want it done. there's more to it than that, but that's it in a nutshell. (as an aside: i did once find someone who was so great and then she moved out of the state, to a state that is really a lot warmer than this one, someone who has never seen snow up close and personal, someone who has intelligence and caring, someone i won't mention by name...ahem.) so back to my thought, i wrote this outline and realized i don't want to do any of the things listed there anymore. i could reposition myself, take only what i want and move forward with more comfort, but, i don't want to do any of it any more! hence the desire to be in the forest trying to teach survival. maybe i need to focus on my own survival here. i wonder if my little brain is trying desparately to send a message that i keep missing. hmm, look at those butterflies...

i'm just putting my thoughts down here so i can see them outside of my head and maybe get a picture of what is going on.

i'm feeling a little lost right now.

there you go. me, up close and personal. be careful what you wish for, you just may get it and it might be scarier than you ever thought possible. or maybe it might be more beautiful than you ever dreamed because you were inside a 6-story box with only a very limited view of the possibilities.

perspective? maybe, i just know i need to be out, whatever that means. well, i'm not gay so not that 'out', but you get my drift, right? outside, out of doors, out of sight, out of reach, out of touch, out on my own, out from under thumbs, out discovering more about me. and maybe i do that and find out its all the same, just a different setting. well, i may just need a different setting for a little happiness right now. ok, i'm done for now.

over and ... out.

the long haul ~ edition XII

did i tell you i've been having an incredibly horrific 2007. january in its entirety was pretty much ugly and all i want to do is write it off as not having happened. i gave myself a new start to the new year at the beginning of february then had to push it back to saturday because, january's unpleasantness slopped over into the new month. i blame it on the incredibly beautiful but monstrously intrusive full moon. saturday was to be the new, new beginning. what do i do? i lose my keys at the office. yep, went to work, well, because this time of year is just crazy for me then after a productive morning and a satisfying number of projects off my desk, i can't find my keys to leave. 15 excruciating minutes of searching and it actually took someone else who was working on their saturday to locate them for me. i was almost in tears. here i'd done my mental sit ups and was ready to put january behind me and here it is again, something inocuous making my life more hectic and stressed than it should be. i'm not sure what it is or what it was, but a bad string of weeks can just take out my sense of all is/or will be alright with the world.

what does it all mean? not much in the grand scheme of things. while life can be frustrating and daunting and overwhelming and can sometimes take every ounce of energy you have to get out of bed in the morning, each day can be a new start. every day can be the beginning of a new year with resolutions (or not). each day is a new chance to make life a happy one in spite of all the external forces working against us.

i just hope i don't have to start new every week. i'd like to know a few peaceful weeks in a row.

the long haul ~ edition XI

i proceeded to wreck my brother's motorcycle approximately 15 minutes after this photo was taken. he is the best, i've learned a lot from him. if only i could remember it all.

things don't always turn out like we'd like or like we planned or like we thought at all. when life hands you lemons, make a gin and tonic. i actually prefer lime but, you get my point.

so, when things don't go my way, i'll pout a little while, whine a little longer, then i'll pull myself up by my boot straps and see what i can make of the mess i've gotten myself into. it usually takes several phone calls to my bestest friend teresa in which i whine, pout, curse and sometimes cry (yes, i'm a girl) to come to the solution or the bandaid, whichever works. she always knows what to say and how to say it in a way that makes me get what is going on with me. anyway...digression, for the most part, averted...

so what if none of my "resolutions" turned out like i wanted. big deal! i don't usually make them anyway. what makes this year different? well, nothing. i'll begin anew with today and do my best at whatever that day or week brings. some days i'll fall on my face and some days i'll succeed. i hope 2007 has an abundance of the good and only a small pile of the bad.

in that light, i will overcome the ugly and move into the wonderful world that does exist, if only we open our eyes and our hearts to it. it is there, its just a matter of searching for the kernel of beauty and seeing it for what it is.

wish me luck. and much luck to you also.

the long haul ~ edition X

am i too young to have a mid-life crisis?

so, your answer should be, yes, way too young!

oy, what is up with me? i am irritable the minute i get to work. i stay that way most of the day and only after i leave does my mood improve. i've been contemplative for a while now. the new year is coming. do i have the strength, because i really believe that is what it takes, to make a major change? you may be wondering what the big deal about this is. i'm so stable in a good way and i'm so static in not necessarily a good way. its a big deal for me.

i'm ready for this life now.

its just not an option, right now.

so how do you change your personality to fit what you want? how do you uproot yourself when your roots are buried deep and entwined with everything? how do i make the first move? how do i let go of the fact that i think others may be hurt/offended by my choices? how do i care about my own happiness more than the perceived happiness of others?

seriously?

the long haul ~ edition IX

last year at about this time, i went something like 50 days without sugar. that included halloween, thanksgiving and Christmas. for some people this may not seem like much of an accomplishment, but for me, it was pretty hard. at least the first couple weeks were difficult. after that, i had a base to work from and it became easier every day.

i've been thinking i need to do this lately, but haven't been all that motivated. slight depression will rob the best of my motivation. the big bowl of left over halloween candy brought in to the office this morning was the catalyst i needed for my no sugar month.

i decided, november 1 was a perfect starting point. to me this means no cake, candy, pie or icecream. it also means no flavored syrup in my coffee, unless its sugar free and since i don't do sugar substitutes (they can and will kill you) . (an aside/digression, whatever you wish to call it. i started researching sugar substitutes when i found out my dad has parkinson's disease. he also has diabetes which means he drinks diet soda when he drinks soda and my parents use sugar substitutes a lot. parkinson's isn't completely understood, but i decided that if that if it was, in fact, hereditary, i didn't want it. hence no sugar substitutes. there's tons of info on this topic on-line and in magazines and i am sure tongs of other places too. without trying to ride this high-horse too far, parkingon's isnt' the only reason to stay away from sugar substituted products. do a little looking around and you'll be frightened, well, i was. adn yea, i know i've heard this in the internet myth too. who knows, who really knows. i believe neither the fda nor the government at large would give us a straight answer if that's the only answer they had to give us. i'm not a conspiracy theorist, but i also don't believe we are ever given the whole truth. in part because they don't know it themselves.)

anyway, this means no flavored coffee. that's ok. i drink soy when I do latte's and it has a slight nutty flavor to me which is appealing all on its own. ok, so my first slip up, which really wasn't a slip up since i decided to do this no sugar thing after i drank my coffee people latte this morning, was the vanilla flavored syrup in said latte. i'll not beat myself up over this due to timing. i'll need to figure out exactly what no sugar means to me. does this inlcude things such as jam, syrup or the zone bars i eat at 3:00 to get me through to dinner. i also just bought some trader joes "uncrystallized" ginger which i'll keep air tight or just give away. life goes on.

wish me luck. i may/will need it.

the long haul ~ edition VIII

I'm a little bit of a hermit. I think my parents are that way and I've inherited the hermit gene. I am comfortable hanging out by myself, I actually find it enjoyable. I can do what I want and if that it sitting my duff on the sofa and watching bad reruns, then so be it. This last Saturday, it meant getting up, making the exact breakfast I wanted of biscuits and gravy. I've never been a biscuits and gravy girl especially since I gave up dairy, but when camping last with my parents, my mom made it and I've had it on my mind ever since. Now, my parents are pretty traditional in most things; Christmas presents are opened on Christmas, not on the eve; church on Sunday generally followed by family lunch; one large truck for haulin' stuff and one oversized and by some standards luxurious four-door, eight-cylinder, large Ford automobile. That said, I've had what I consider a healthy influence on their eating habits, well, once in awhile. My mom, who when I asked if she wanted a fresh fig wrinkled her nose and without ever having tried fresh figs, decided they were 'weird' and would have nothing to do with them. So you'll understand my coup when my mom whips out the almond milk, because she knows Nick and I don't to dairy - isn't that the sweetest thing - to make the biscuits and gravy. Well, it was awesome. Back to the future ~ Saturday, I made biscuits and (soy this time) gravy to start the day, then continued to fill my day alone with chores and errands, which for some reason are so much more enjoyable when done at my own pace without anyone watching and wondering why I'm working at a snails pace. Sometimes that's just what I want to do folks. It feels like I get more done by myself because I don't have to figure in someone else's needs. Sometimes I don't want to spend 2 hours at Home Depot. I realize the Home Depot trip may be completely for my benefit, but, I just don't have the patience.

This is all without caffeine, FYI

I started out as very much a loner type of person. I think adding in living by myself for the last 12+ years has given me a perspective that most don't have. I like doing my own thing and doing it with myself. It does pose a problem once in a while when I really just want to snuggle into the sofa and read and Nick wants to go out. Most of the time he doesn't care and will hang with me. We'll put in a movie and I'll be asleep in half an hour. I have a modicum of guilt when I choose this many weekends in a row.

I don't have an issue with Friday or Saturday nights alone doing whatever I want to do, even if that is mopping the kitchen floor. I think a lot of people feel if they don't go out or hang with friends or do something 'public' that there is a problem. I'm not exactly sure why that makes me sad, but it does.

the long haul ~ edition VII

ok, it will sound like i’m on a rant, i’m really not. well, i’m ranting at myself, i’m reinforcing within myself the ideas i’ve researched and decided to try to embrace. i’m working on change and i do that by regurgitating and rehashing. repetition helps me. bear with me, hopefully with an open mind. i ask nothing more. making life changes isn’t an easy thing to do. have i said this before? well, i say it again as a reminder for myself that the task is ongoing. my focus of change, is a life style change. its not dramatic, but subtle. i think the subtle ones may be the most difficult. important to me - why? well, i believe this planet is overrun by humans. i can’t do anything about that other than not creating any more myself. Now, don’t get all defensive, i’m all for children. i think they are wonderful and fun and cute and amazing and necessary. i don’t think having 4 or 5 is reasonable in the light of, oh lets just go with the obvious, global warming, land mass being consumed at alarming rates daily to house the ever growing population, less and less good arable farm land to support us all, i could go on. i / we can do our part to make the resources we have remaining and available to us (our children, our future) stretch as far as we are able. there are steps we each can take reverse some of the damage we as humans have done to this planet we call earth.

a place to start and actually some very interesting information.

book: jane goodall – harvest for hope movie: who killed the electric car magazine: mother earth news

it may sound like a lot. it may sound like a rant. it may sound like i've gone off my rocker. whatever it sounds like, its worth taking note. its worth paying attention. my nieces and the other children of today are worth my doing what i can today to make this a planet that is livable tomorrow. oy, does that sounds like the end of a jacques cousteau documentary? good! he was awesome.