I love him

Got Camera?

Hey, I got a trick for you...

Watch close!

Here I go...

I know you're impressed.

Morning Pondering

Blog stalking, its what I do, occassionally.

I came across Simply Breakfast. Just check it out. Wonderful photography, which I like. And yet, I'm disturbed. Not by the blog, its really pretty fabulous, but by my breakfast habits. Breakfast for me is usually cereal and a cup of coffee, or two, while I sit at my desk working, or sometimes blogging. I usually have a box of cereal and soy milk at the office and eat that cereal until its gone then bring in the next box of cereal.

How very sad that seems.

I sometimes wish I had the time to have a leisurely, well planned and pretty breakfast. One that's different each day.

Only a little big news

So, I don't have any pictures, yet and I don't have much to say, yet, but I do have this ... Mister is awesome. He surprised me (a not so easy thing to do as I seem to know everything, just ask me) with a proposal on the rim of Crater Lake.

Yes, we are engaged. So happy. He'll be Mr. (and I'll be Mrs., well, I actually won't be Mrs., I'll always be LMS, but, you get my drift) some time in the next year, or so.

I'm sure I'll have more to say soon, just way too much in the brain right now with work being crazy and hectic and unmanageable at this time.

More later.

Wax off...

Yes, its here. I am 39 today. Seriously, Just wait! You don't know, you've not (probably) been here.

I wouldn't change a thing in my life and the things that come to mind that I might change are the trials and lessons that I learned so much from and which molded me into who I am today so I shouldn't really want to change them or I'd be someone else blogging something totally different, which may be a good or bad thing, depending. I would wish to be more prosperous, I mean who doesn't want that? Right?

I hope I've been able to inspire this week,inspire you to think about things, if ever so slightly, in a new light. In a way that brings illumination or growth. That wasn't my intent as I began the week of self reflection, but now that I'm here, at this end of it, I feel fresher and lighter for it and hope to pay that forward. (Yikes! Did I just write that?)

I'll be seeing you after Memorial Day. Off for a week of rest and relaxation and lots of hiking. That's the plan. Ciao bellas!

...

Well, its happened, I'm out of words. I used too many every day this week already. If some pearl of self reflection comes to me, I'll update. I'm guessing I've reflected all that my little brain can reflect for one week.

So, happy Thursday.

PS - More thoughts as the clock ticks on: time is precious, life is fragile, friends are pivotal, we are worthy of all the wonders we just have to take a moment to stop and pay attention, there really is beauty in just about everything, its ok to not have the things we think we want or deserve.

Life's just that way.

My goal for this next 12 months is to be here and now, present and aware of how wonderful it all is.

Ok, I'm so done with self reflection this week. I'm going to wait and watch for the roses to bloom and try to not be bored and on to the next thing before the miracle has happened.

Ya know?

On getting there

What will I do with this last year of my 30’s? My predictions for the next 12 months:

Mister and I will tie some proverbial knot. We’ve talked about it for a long time, but recently have gone looking for the perfect ring. Haven’t found it yet and oddly enough, I’m the one, not quite dragging my feet, but not hurrying the process either. I adore this man and will be so happy to spend our days and nights together. I’ve found that while I have no worries or qualms or questions about the ‘rightness’ of this, I do have serious needs for space. My Space. (Not to be confused with MySpace.) I need time and space all to my self. I don’t want anyone there even if they aren’t bugging me. I want to work out and talk on the phone for an hour without interruption and watch my girlie tv shows (Gilmore Girls, which by-the-by is over and done with as of last night – series finale. Now what am I going to do? I’m sure I’ll figure something out.) Anyway… I need this time and its difficult/sort of on both of us. I've lived alone for what seems always. It just not an easy thing to give up even if you do love the person you plan to live with. I have guilt about needing it and Mister (God bless him) just wants to hang out with me. He's so wonderful. We’ll work through it. I’m just glad I’ve realized I feel this way now so when we are living together, I’ll know its just who I am and it seems like I’ll be better able to deal with the missing of my own space.

Harley will gain a little brother or sister companion. Well, that’s the plan. He’s so wonderful just the way he is, but I don’t want him to be bored or lonely during the days when we are making a so-called living. When that happens, I’m sure there will be just lots of pics.

I'm not the best at predicting the future. I've no idea what the next year will bring. I do know I'll most likely be here sharing it with you, my friends.

I am better at looking back and seeing what's been. One of the most important things I’ve learned is that I’m not perfect and that’s ok. I don’t have to be perfect to be acceptable. I’ll make mistakes and blunders and I’ll learn from them and move forward.

Until Superman flies around the world really really fast counterclockwise to turn back time, I will keep on getting just a little older every single day. Hopefully I'll learn something new everyday too.

Wax on...

More thought on impending aforementioned age related matter: I’ve realized life is rather now than later. I haven’t been able to completely embrace it as I would like, but am working on the Hakuna Matata mind frame. To that end I’ve started traveling more, something which seems to be in my blood. I’ve been actually taking vacation time for vacation and going and doing some of the things I really would like to do. I’ve started blogging. I’ve had several journals over the years and I’ll journal for, oh, like 3 days and then completely forget it even exists. I’ve always been told how therapeutic journaling is supposed to be. I just don’t have that much to say, well, at least I didn’t think I did. Part of the problem is, maybe, I can’t write as quickly as I can type so by the time I get to the end of the sentence, I can actually remember what the next thought was. When writing, that’s not always the case. Plus, you know, writers cramp. This blogging has been good for me. I can see where I’ve been and where I am now and how they are either similar or how I’ve grown. I have actually had some epiphanies here on Blogger. I’ve changed my entire social structure, a couple times, in the last 9 years. I’ve realized some friends are meant to be with you during a period of time and then to disappear or just fade. Its not that there was an argument, its just that people come and go from our lives and accepting that as natural was big to me. Its ok to have new friends and to let others go. Its also wonderful when I find friends that last a lifetime, friends that are meant to be around for the long haul. That’s not an easy task, on either side of the fence. I’ve got several of those and I am so grateful for them.

I realized its ok, even imperative to be me. Really me. Me with my flaws and eccentricities and my lovely attributes thrown in there for good measure. I am a person, unique and likable. Don’t be scared by the opening up here. Ya’ll are pivotal to this new understanding of myself. Opening up what’s inside me here on this blog has helped me come to these conclusions.

Countdown...

So, I’m just going to say this out loud. I will be turning 39 this week. … … … May not seem like that big a deal, but, these last few years have been wonderful and harrowing all at the same time so the prospect of entering into my final year of being in my 30’s is a little on the mixed bag side. Anyone who’s left their thirties always says, "Oh, your 40’s are even better." I still have my reservations.

My thirties, so far:

• I met Mister. He’s the most wonderful man. I am so fortunate to have him in my life and vice versa. He’s The one. I know this in my heart. I didn’t know it was possible to feel so comfortable and so comforted by one person. He doesn’t “complete” me, I’m a work in progress. He lets me be me, whatever that may entail. And, he can be very supportive in the process.
• My sweet kitty Mr. One passed away at the ripe old age of 17 1/2. Probably the most difficult thing I’ve had to go through in my entire adult life. Well, its right up there on the top three list. I miss him to this day and wish him to be here with me but only as a young macho cat butt kickin’ stud but with the sweetness he had in his later years.
• That said, we now have Harley. I never thought I’d love another furry creature as much as Mr. One, but Harley is an amazing creature. He is so sweet and cuddly and a complete dodo who makes me laugh until I snort.
• I discovered I can choose my future. I made a conscious decision to make some career changes, or at least I’ve started that process. I don’t know where it will lead, but just shaking things up is huge for me.
• I know who I am more today than I ever have in my life. I’m less willing to take on other people’s issues than I ever have in life. I’m a pleaser by nature, I’ve always known this. I’ve spent a good portion of my life doing what I can to make everyone else’s lives run smoothly. During this, my 30’s, I’ve realized they have to take responsibility for themselves and I am the only one who will make myself happy. No one out there will do that for me. I can make myself number one and still be a good friend, person, employee and citizen. It hasn’t been easy on those around me who were used to the old me, but, I’m a much happier person now. It only hasn’t been easy for them, because they have to take care of themselves instead of me doing it.

Well, this is a partial list and I know I’m not out of my 30’s yet and this is probably a post more suited for approximately one year from now, but, as I’ve said in the past, my blog, my timeline. Love me or leave me.

For heavens sake, don’t leave though!

Friday Fun and Post Script Irritations

Leap Frog brain teaser. Originally brought to my attention by DCB. Stereograms. Do you hate or love them?

Could I be any younger?

... nice perm!

PS - So I'm irritated! It took me, a non-computer schooled person, quite a while to figure out the little tweaks to make my blog look like I want it to look. I would see something on someone else's blog that I liked and would go into the HTML and figure out, after some time, how to make it do what I wanted. You know, adding the picture in the header, etc. Folks, that took me a while and searching the internet and trial and errors. It may be something that comes naturally to everyone else, but I struggle with it. But, you may be aware, Blogger has a "new" format they'd really like everyone to use. It is supposed to be more user friendly. I just can't quite figure out how to make the new layout look like I want and it's irritating. Does anyone know where/if there is a website with quick tips or even if this is HTML or XHTML or some other language I should learn. Its ridiculous. It should be be easy and I am probably making it harder than it is, but then again, I can only do what I can do without a little help.

PPS - Was my request for help obvious enough?

PPPS - HELP

Is it Friday yet?

Why do I have such a difficult time accepting life is right now.

RIGHT NOW.

It doesn't begin on Friday after work and end Sunday when I go to bed. I get stuck in such a rut during the week, get up...go to work...work out... shower... eat dinner... collapse on the sofa... go to bed. Granted, studying has been added to the mix in the last few weeks, but, man that is going so much slower than I ever thought it would.

I need to focus, slow down and be here, BE HERE, now. (Small reprimand for myself there.)

I don't want to wake up one day and wonder where all that time went. Stop, smell the roses, linger, breathe, move on to the next rose, or hyacinth or honeysuckle.....

Sleeping Beauty

LOOK at that nose!

I love a good kitty nose.

I thought I'd never love again.

Nocturne

Where is my tripod when I need it?

the long haul ~ edition XIV

do you ever feel like the only one that doesn't belong?

i do. lately i'm feeling like i'm in a sea of normal people who are going about their lives without nearly as much distress or turmoil. like i'm the only one with inner thoughts of unrest and even sometimes anxiety about where i'm going with this life, what i'd like the picture of my life to look like. i want to be a good person and i want to be successful in relationships and career. i want to have enough time each and every day to wake up of my own accord rather than by the screaming alarm clock. i want to look forward to going to the office. i want to have time for lunch with friends and cocktails after work and time to work out every day and time to ride my bike and to hike and to make great dinner in the evening and not have to think about getting to bed at a decent hour so i'm not wrung out the next day when that blasted alarm clock screams at me once again.

i don't want these things handed to me on a silver platter........well, maybe i wouldn't mind if that were to happen... i recognize there's work involved, i just want to care about the work and feel like what i'm doing is making a difference.

is this a pre-mid life crisis? do i just need a red sports car and everything will be better? do i just need to realize this is life, get used to it. life isn’t a bowl of chocolate covered cherries without calories. is life supposed to be a struggle most of the time while trying to fit in some play time before i’m too old to be able to play?

i feel like i’ve missed some class, life 101, where they told you the secrets of navigating life and how to make the most of the time given. i feel like i’m stuck on a dock and everyone is boarding the cruise ship of life sailing away towards sunny places and happy careers and i don’t know where to buy a ticket.

that said, how do you know when the titanic has pulled into port and you should trade your ticket for a bag of magic beans? maybe staying in port isn’t all that bad.

oy, i think i may just have made a breakthrough of sorts. stream of thought journaling can be useful.

still wondering though, should i buy a ticket to a far away land or will that ticket turn into disaster to be written about for decades to come.

breathe and blog. that’s all I know right now.

If only, or, I'm lazy - You choose

I could easily be vegan. The problem is I'm too lazy to figure out all the cool products and recipes and different combinations to be healthy. Mister and I have been meaning to eat at The Blossoming Lotus for about a year. They are 100% vegan, which fits right in with neither of us eating dairy. Yesterday, he picked me up for lunch and we went, the food was just great. They had some really great looking chocolatey brownies and my favorite, coconut macaroons. No photos, but the website is pretty good.

They have a cookbook which I may have to have at some point. They also have some free recipes. I haven't tried any out yet, but I definitely will. Spinach stuffed mushrooms with toasted pine nuts! Ok, yum! That's just an example, they have an assortment of free recipes which they also serve in their restaurant(s). It seems there is also a location on Kuai. They have appetizers, soups, main dishes and desserts. I'm not hungry and I'm getting hungry.

Harley and his new found buddy, aka 'the black cat'. He likes other cats, so long as they know their place.

White

Clematis on the vine. Just yesterday we had a hail / thunder / lightning storm that knocked many flowers off. Hail! Its May.

My brother will be here this very weekend. We will be going to a concert at the White Eagle, which is purported to be haunted. Then we'll go out for drinks. Saturday, weather permitting we'll be hiking somewhere fabulous. If the weather fails us, which I believe it may, who knows what we'll be doing? I should probably figure that one out. I'm sure we'll do something great, we always have fun together. Sunday, he'll drive home and I'll be sad that he's going and that we don't live closer together so we can hang out all the time instead of just once in awhile. I should be grateful we don't live more than 3.5 hours away from each other. We could see each other less I guess.

This is Thursday.

I'm tired.

He's Back

He's a happy little kitty camper.

Urchins

I sometimes feel a little bad about the street urchins. They are out there living on the street, whatever that means, and they are in their teens. I don't understand and I'm glad that I don't understand but only from the perspective of I had a rather normal childhood and have no clue about abuse and neglect. I have less empathy for the adult street people for some reason. I guess it seems an adult should have more ability to reason their way out of a bad situation. That is if they want to be out of the bad situation. It seems more like a choice for an adult and more like the only choice because they have no idea how real life works for the kids.

Listen to me! Real Life! I know real life means something different to each and every one of us. It just seems to me a terrible thing to have no home and no shower or place to clean up and no solid support system of family and no place that you feel safe to sleep at night and no knowledge that when you're hungry the fridge will be there yielding food. Its all so very sad.

I bring this up because there are occassionally street urchins sleeping or cuddled together or playing with puppies in the doorway to our building. Its part of my job to make sure they aren't there. I always feel like such a hag when I have to ask them to leave what is maybe the only dry semi-out of the wind place they could find. Now, I know that's not true, but they look at you with children's eyes. They always have some excuse why they are there and sometimes its hard to have to say "You've got to go".

What kind of life can they be living right now?

What kind of future is even possible with that kind of childhood?

Out and About

His first outing in the city. I was totally nervous and told Mister to do it while I was at work 'cause I didn't think I could handle it.

I might cry!

He's so beautiful.

What a little love!!!

PS I guess he's already letting the other neighborhood cats know that he's taking over the yard. It will be his yard now. I couldn't be more proud.